When you have a child, especially if you do it young (what up team teen pregnancy!), you learn a lot about friendships. You learn that a lot of people you considered great friends aren’t so much down for nappy talk run for the hills (vineyards) with never a look back. You also learn a lot about people who are there for you and just how much that means.

There are a number of friends that you will only make once you’ve popped a screaming mass out of your most precious part of your anatomy, said screaming mass probably won’t be part of this list until you’re past their twentieth year. Soz.

The Mum Friends

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You probably met this group of ladies while you were pregnant, literally forced together into an unlikely band of swollen, hormonal musketeers. These friendships work great during the late pregnancy and while your babies are young; they understand, they don’t get bored of hearing about sleep training and they understand your sudden fascination with poo. I’ve seen these friendships last, well done ladies. But more often than not you realise you have little more in common than the fact your vaginas split around the same time and slowly drift apart.

The Dad Friends
The other-halves of the mum friends. You get to know them at birthday parties and those rare occasions you all manage to get a sitter. If you’re the single mum of the group don’t even try and befriend these guys, you’ll stop getting invites faster than a vegan to a dinner party.

The One Who Only Cares About Your Baby

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This friend was all about your pregnancy, they wanted to see every scan photo, to organise a hideously garish baby shower and to cover you in all the gender biased gifts they could find. They’ll be the first at your door once the baby comes. It’s a novelty to them, something cute to rack up the likes on Instagram (oh yeah, 100% is to me too, but I had to wipe a butt for those likes). At some point you’ll realise it’s been three years since they asked how you are and they’ve offered no support other than a super cute ‘OMG I ❤ her soooooo much’ comment on your latest photo.

The One Who Couldn’t Give A Shit About Your Baby
The don’t want to hear your birth story, if you so much as mention cracked nipples they are out and they’re never going to remember your kid’s birthday. They do care about you though. And they’re always up for cocktails.

The Recently Pregnant Friend
You never really knew them other than by their occasionally whiney Facebook statuses then WAM they’re pregnant. Suddenly you, as the only person they apparently know to have done this, become their go-to guide to all things mucus plug. The books can be pretty expensive I guess.

The Friend Who Still Can’t See You As A Mum

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You guys used to party together, she was the one who encouraged you to get on the pole that time and she’s definitely seen more than one of your regrettable conquests. However now she can’t accept that you can’t down a jug of Woo Woo while perfectly executing Beyoncé’s dance to Crazy In Love anymore. You’ll definitely still try.

The Friend Who Can’t See You As Anything But A Mum
This is usually a work colleague who met you post tiny human and they almost definitely have one of their own. All you have ever spoken to them about is Calpol dosages and the latest stroller from Cosatto.

The School Mums
These are the next step onwards from The Mum Friends. Instead of bonding over episiotomy stitches you eventually speak after weeks of awkward eye contact in the playground. It is guaranteed the one mum you find tolerable will have the child yours hates. Luckily until they’re 16 you can make them do things they don’t want to.

The One Who Gets It

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They know when you need to rant, they know when you need to gush, they know when to take your kid away for ten minutes, they know when to pour the wine. Never, ever let them go.

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