Living with a boy.
What an achievement! It means you’ve actually convinced somebody that you’re sane, fun, and clean enough to want to share a bathroom with.
It also means having to give up your spare sock drawer, share your secret supply of biscuits, and consider moving your rabbit out of the drawer on their side of the bed.
I just moved in with a boy. One that I do rather like, so that’s handy, but it’s still a serious lifestyle change. Going from only sharing a house with a Tiny Idiot who thinks beans on toast four nights a week is normal behaviour to having a Full Sized Idiot who wants something with vegetables in it ‘at least once this month’ is an adjustment.
It looked nothing like the image above by the way, he literally brought a bag full of dirty clothes and a guitar. There was no cutesy box carrying, there was just a fortnight of laundry.
Here a few things I have learnt will make the transition easier. Ish.
Hide your fancy toiletries
They will be used and incorrectly at that. He might think you’ll appreciate that your Argan Oil deep conditioner has made his beard super soft and he’ll be thrilled to tell you how he’s never felt more relaxed than he does after using your entire jar of Laura Mercier bath creme. You however will just want to stab him. So hide that shit before you find yourself too scared to pick up the soap in the communal showers.
Just do the laundry
Just do it yourself. Honestly. It will save time, effort, anger, and your favourite jumper.
Prepare yourself for hair
EVERYWHERE. I have long hair that loves to fall out and cling on to any animal, vegetable, or mineral I go near. But my little acts of blonde love are nothing compared to the PLAGUE of little black hairs my house is now home to.
‘Oh he’s so considerate, he’s trimming his beard over the sink’ NOPE still gonna find those fuckers in your butter.
Brace yourself for alcoholism
Not because it’s that unbearable (wide eyed emoji face) but because you have someone to drink with.
If you’re anything like me (sorry) then you could only week night drink once, maybe twice, a week. Because you lived alone and drinking alone is seen as being terribly naughty and very very bad. But now you have someone to drink with. So let’s open another bloody bottle!
This is made even worse if – like us – you drink different coloured wines. A race to finish the bottle is a regular Tuesday night.
You are going to have to share
Pizza, beer, bread, coffee, slipper socks, your bed, leftover Chinese food.
To be honest moving in with somebody is just one sacrifice after another.
Have separate Netflix accounts
I have a very strict ‘don’t start watching a new series together’ rule. Because it only leads to problems. Instead I pretend to be really interested in the shows he wants to watch, then binge-watch the shows I actually like on my own time. I know, I’m a genius.
Stock up on razorblades
My poor boyfriend has very swiftly gone from having a girlfriend he saw fortnightly, who was always primped and preened and most certainly didn’t have so much as a stray hair under her knee to…erm…well did you ever see Harry and the Hendersons?
While eventually your man will get used to sticking to you like velcro when you brush legs in the night, for a while you’ll have to prepare for regular razor burn.
Ugh patriarchy etc etc.
Cry a lot
It’s the easiest way to get what you want.
For me this isn’t much of a challenge. I only need to see a video of a puppy being friends with a turtle and I’m gone.
Accept their weirdness
You are of course a perfect flower who has zero bad habits, just like me.
He, however, is going to have his quirks. Whether it’s washing the pans up before the glasses or whistling as he showers there’s going to be something that bugs the shit out of you. You have to accept this shit.
Unless it’s the washing up thing, that habit needs to die.
Make tiny gestures, you’ll realise it’s these that make you love them
Soppy? Yes. But true.
The smallest little gestures like making you a cup of tea or leaving you a note become more romantic than ever and you realise that despite the difficult moments sharing your home with someone you love is awesome.
That, or you realise you can’t stand them and have to enter Witness Protection.