It’s almost a year since my clean, tidy, pretty, girly flat was destroyed and filled with smelly boy things and a smelly boy. While he didn’t come with many belongings, he has certainly changed my home. Mostly for the better.
So what have I learnt in this year? Glad you asked, and luckily for you I’ve written a handy list.
- They just do not understand the value of kitchen roll. No, it’s not for blowing your nose. Yes, it is bloody expensive. No, I will never stop nagging you about it.
- I don’t know why they opened that second jar of pesto when there’s an open one directly next to it. They don’t know why they opened that second jar of pesto when there’s an open one directly next to it. Nobody knows why they opened that second jar of pesto when there’s an open one directly next to it. It’s one of life’s great mysteries.
- That whole stereotype of putting empty bottles and jars and bags back where they came from? Yeah, that’s a stereotype for a reason.
- You will miss having the remote control, the bed, and the bathroom to yourself more than anything until they’re away for more than one night when you can’t wait to be back watching robot wars and shoving them back to their side of the bed.
- You will learn to sleep in spite of the snoring.
- Beard trimmers magically take the hair from a man’s chin and THROW IT EVERYWHERE IN THE ENTIRE BATHROOM HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU AND YOUR HOOVER YOU’LL BE FINDING ME FOR MONTHS
- Men are not mindreaders. Even though you know this fact you will still act as though they can on a regular basis.
- Tissues. Everywhere. Just god damn tissues.
- There will be talk about how much of the wardrobe your clothes take up, but that is nothing compared to their sock collection. Which doubles every birthday and Christmas.
- If you try and clear out said sock drawer because who needs 270 pairs you will inevitably throw out their favourite pair. They’ll be the ones covered in holes but they got lucky once in Cardiff Oceana while wearing them so they need them.
- Somehow toothpaste will always end up on the mirror. Another mystery.
- Your perfect shower temperature will not be their perfect shower temperature. You will get used to spending ten minutes every morning trying to find that optimum point again (if you ever do may I recommend a Sharpie).
- They do the washing up wrong. Buy a dishwasher or prepare to re do it every time.
- They do the laundry wrong. Just do it yourself.
- Don’t end an argument by shouting ‘go fuck yourself’ and storming off to your room. You’ll only have to come back out later with your tail between your legs looking stupid. Storm off to the pub instead, then you’ll be drunk and not care.
- The annoying phrases they use all the time will become part of your vocabulary.
- You will have to watch sport, and you will find yourself enjoying it.
- They will become experts on all things Made In Chelsea, just don’t tell their friends. (although those friends who also live with their girlfriends, they have equally strong opinions on Binky and JP)
- You suddenly become philosophical but instead of wondering about trees falling you wonder about eating a jar of Nutella for dinner. You used to do it twice a week but now it’s bad?
- Somehow they will find a way to simultaneously be the most irritating person in the world and the best person you know. You will want to kill them and you’ll never want them to leave. You’ll despise their mess, their noise, and their very presence…but they’ll make you laugh, they’ll bring you home snacks when you’re feeling crap, they’ll listen, they’ll make your life a million times better and you’ll know it was the best thing you ever did.
(The kitchen roll thing will never not be annoying, mind.)