If you’ve ever been pregnant, looked at a parenting blog, read anything, anywhere about growing and pushing out a baby, or just paid attention to the press surrounding childbirth and postnatal experiences you’ll have heard about postnatal depression (PND) or postpartum depression (PPD). It’s discussed a lot. As it should be! Awareness and understanding are essential for people to feel safe discussing their own experience with mental illness and seek help. There’s been another big push on PND awareness recently, with Chrissy Teigen’s amazing open letter about her experiences (which is incredible and spot on and so honest and everybody really should read it) to the recent surge in reporting of the 1 in 10 statistic. PND is having a moment, a moment I wish had happened before the birth of my daughter, it would have made things much easier and I would have gotten help much sooner than 12 months postpartum.
That statistic, however, is the same during pregnancy. 1 in 10 pregnant women will experience depression during their pregnancy. The same amount of women and yet we’re still not talking about it.
Antenatal depression is a very real thing, and when not treated correctly, can be very dangerous.
When you’re pregnant mental health comes up from time to time. Your first meeting with your midwife they ask some basic questions, towards the end those questions get asked again, but there’s not a lot more to it. But the questions are geared more towards risk factor for mental illness after the baby is born, not while you’re still carrying. My midwife is more than aware about my ongoing mental health problems, as is my doctor, neither seems particularly worried about how I am now, they only worry about how I’ll be then.
Pregnancy is a weird time in a woman’s life – you’re expected to be glowing and happy and excited and getting on with it because, well…you haven’t got a baby yet. Yet for most women it’s far from the nine months of glowy gorgeousness we were promised. It’s 40 weeks stuck in a weird limbo, in between two lives and not really feeling like you belong in either.
My mental health has been giving me the run around the past few months. With anxieties about baby being well, work getting finished on time, not completely neglecting my daughter, and of course actually being able to cope with another baby combined with that voice coming from over my shoulder telling repeatedly that I’m just not good enough to do any of it – I’ve been having a pretty shit time. But I’ve not wanted to tell anybody about it. I’ve not wanted to talk about the fact that all my warning signs have been alerting me that things aren’t ok for months. I’ve not wanted to admit that I’m not ok.
Why? Because to feel so low, to feel so broken and scared during a time I should feel the opposite just seems like a failure. If I can’t cope with being pregnant how the hell am I going to cope with a newborn? With two children? Why would anybody let me be responsible for another human when I can’t look after the one I already have? When I can’t look after myself? Because I can’t get out of bed some days.
I’m open and honest about my mental health, that’s half of the reason this blog exists. But I’ve suddenly felt the need to hide and be silent about how I’m feeling now. Because while we’re allowed to talk about the other aspects of pregnancy that suck, we’re not there with mental health yet.
We can moan about sickness, dizziness, and PGP. We can moan about swollen breasts, extra thick thighs, and stretch marks. We can moan about swollen ankles, back pain, and how much we miss going out and drinking tequila.
But there doesn’t seem to be space to talk about the affects all of this can have on our mental health.
No matter how supportive your friends and partner are pregnancy is a lonely time, it’s you alone that is experiencing the pains and sickness and mood swings and body changes, it’s you alone that can’t join in with boozy celebrations, it’s you alone that is being bombarded with a million different emotions and feelings. Those experiences aren’t easy to explain to other people without sounding like you’re constantly moaning. All you have to do is glance a look at Twitter and you’ll be reminded that nobody wants to know about your pregnancy (apart from to discuss how much pain labour will be which, shockingly, doesn’t help anybody feel better). Is it really any surprise that antenatal depression and anxiety rates are so high?
There aren’t support groups and celebrity testimonials about antenatal mental illness, maybe because other women feel the same as I do. Ashamed. And scared.
I feel in the middle of two lives, neither of which I know and neither of which I can understand properly. I’m not who I was before and I don’t know who I’m going to be yet. Every plan being made is for after. Plans with friends, plans for trips, plans for mental health support. I feel homesick for somewhere that doesn’t exist, as teenage and emo as that sounds, it’s true.
Pregnancy is one of the biggest changes in your life, those changes don’t begin when you have your baby handed to you, they change when you see that plus sign on the stick you just peed on.
I know that it’s ok not to be ok.
I know that any times of big change are likely to trigger times of mental instability.
I know that it doesn’t get much bigger than pregnancy.
Yet because nobody else does, I felt too scared to be open about it. Which is why I’m writing this, I guess, because somebody has to be open.
I know all of this, but it doesn’t make it any easier when I can’t drag myself out of bed, when I can’t stop crying, when I read again that baby can feel my stress…
It’s hard, it sucks, it scares me because I know it’s more likely to lead to PND, it’s affecting so many aspects of my life, it’s impossible to explain coherently.
But it’s ok.
And I will be too. Just not today, and probably not tomorrow.
March 13, 2017 at 5:43 pm
Well said. The more people who talk openly about this side of pregnancy the better. X
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March 13, 2017 at 8:35 pm
Thank you. We’re still so physical over emotional in so many aspects of life. Slowly slowly…
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March 13, 2017 at 10:40 pm
Well said. I’m so shocked about the 1 in 10 stat during pregnancy. I had absolutely no idea it was so common and can’t believe the lack of discussion and reporting on it. I’m going through a second pregnancy too and suffered with an intense period of anxiety recently which was completely out of the blue for me. Luckily I was well supported by my partner, employer and friends (once I opened up about it) and I’m hoping it’s behind me now but I know it can be much worse for some people. We have GOT to be better at talking about it and ensuring women get help during a really vulnerable time.
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March 13, 2017 at 10:48 pm
Couldn’t agree more! Mental health awareness is improving but it’s slow and we’re still missing warning signs and losing people.
I’m so glad you had that support and are feeling better now! Anxiety can be so scary and hard. X
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March 19, 2017 at 2:00 pm
Love this. As a mental health nurse we’re taught about pnd and other post partum conditions but pre-natal mental health doesnt get a mention during training. Ive also had anxiety most of my life, nobody is immune. Thankfully with a couple of months left of my pregnancy it’s got much easier, but in the beginning i remember it was just horrific. Im so im glad this is being discussed as too often it is just passed off as ‘hormones’ and even seen as a joke x
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March 20, 2017 at 11:39 am
That’s really telling. Thank you for sharing that! I’m realising more and more just how many people struggled in silence through their pregnancies! I’m glad you’re feeling better now, hopefully you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!x
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March 22, 2017 at 7:02 am
I could have written this word for word. Currently 8 months pregnant with my second who is only 20 months old.
I had PND first time around and undiagnosed AND but looking back it was definitely there. I think the only silver lining is this time I know that I can be the good mother I want to be once my brains resets itself although the monkey on my shoulder likes to tell me otherwise. I hope you’re coping x
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March 23, 2017 at 9:27 pm
You can be and are an amazing mother! Mental illness is a horrible thing but it doesn’t effect that. Knowing your own triggers and signs from last time will make a huge difference too, you’ll know when it’s time to step back and ask for help.
Good luck with everything, if you ever need an ear please feel free to email me xx
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March 22, 2017 at 7:03 am
That didn’t make sense, it’s far too early, I meant my first is only 20 months old haha x
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March 23, 2017 at 9:26 pm
Hahaha if you have children that close together you’re allowed not to make sense, in fact I’m fairly sure it’s the law!
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March 23, 2017 at 9:18 pm
Not that I’m happy that other people are miserable, far from it. I’m just so glad it wasn’t just me. I spent a large portion of my pregnancy sobbing at random because I felt so emotionally awful, and the worst thing is that I found it very hard to get people to care. My midwife at my appointments seemed to take me at face value -married, planned baby, support network, no external stress factors – and just assumed as was fine, not even leaving me with an opportunity to say I was having problems. The only person that really got it was my husband, who was having to watch me sob. Trying to tell anyone else how miserable I felt was met with responses varying from, “just feeling a bit hormonal?”; “you just have think positive” and just ignoring the issue. I basically felt I wasn’t allowed to be unhappy as I was having an otherwise healthy pregnancy.
Thank you for highlighting this issue, and for letting people know they are not alone in their experiences.
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March 23, 2017 at 9:31 pm
It’s so easily dismissed as ‘hormones’ (which drives me up the bloody wall, I’ll show you hormones in a minute!) and it makes it really difficult to convey to somebody else how much you’re struggling.
I’m sorry you had such a crappy pregnancy and such a lack of support. I think there definitely needs to be a big change in the level of awareness surrounding mental illness during pregnancy. I’m going to keep yelling about it for sure!
Pregnancy is scary and lonely even under the ‘perfect’ circumstances, throw in a nice heavy dose of depression or anxiety and it’s a really tough time. I hope you’re feeling better now xx
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March 29, 2017 at 6:33 pm
It amazes me how many people feel the same way, yet not many people talk about it. You describe how I felt when I was deep in my post natal depression, not that I could see it at the time as I was convinced it was just the way life was and nothing was wrong. I felt completely alone and still, a year and a half later, feel isolated some days. If really struggled with not feeling good enough and comparing myself to other ‘awesome’ mum’s out there. I wish people would speak out and support each other, I think there is still a stigma attached to mental health especially at a time when you are meant to be over joyed. It’s horrible, I still find it hard to think about the first few months of my babies life. It’s too painful, I was deeply depressed. Thank you for sharing and letting people know there’s another completely normal side to parenthood x
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March 29, 2017 at 9:04 pm
I know exactly what you mean about looking back at the first few months, for me the first year of TI’s life is pretty greyed. I will always speak out, I felt so alone when I had her and I know that even just reading that somebody else was going through or had been through similar would have helped endlessly.
I hope you’re feeling better now, those isolated days are nothing to feel ashamed of. Life is tough, being in charge of another person’s life on top of that is tougher.
We got this!! Keep talking, keep being honest (with yourself and others), and keep on trucking.
(Feel free to message/email if you ever need to chat)
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May 4, 2017 at 7:05 am
This reminds me so much of my thoughts when I was pregnant, sadly it has gone on to pnd and it’s tough but we’re strong and we now have someone depending on us so we need to be strong for them too ❤️ if you’re interested I have written what it’s like to have postnatal depression if you’d like to have a read xx remember you’re never alone, there’s heaps of us all experiencing the same feelings ❤️ just have to keep on keeping on. Good luck Hun x
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May 4, 2017 at 9:59 am
I had pretty brutal PND and PNA with my daughter. It’s horrible and scary but fortunately my many years of mental health problems since have meant I recognise my triggers and warning signs and am quick to get help!
I hope you’re feeling better soon, it does get better, promise!xx
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May 18, 2017 at 9:48 am
I suffered from antenatal depression and anxiety in my 2nd pregnancy too, luckily I had a good team to help me but I still had to admit it first! Thank you for helping to raise awareness of this. I have just started my own blog, check it out x
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June 21, 2017 at 1:30 pm
Well said! I had PND and sometimes I still have it, it’s not fun. Becoming a mum has been hard for me and I feel that I wasn’t ready. I love her to bits but during the early days I found it really overwhelming!
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