I don’t know if you’ve noticed but it’s a little bit hot outside. If you go anywhere in England where there is a patch of grass right now you will see at least 12 sets of sunburnt shoulders frantically necking canned cider and pretending like they’re enjoying every second.

The Great British Summertime!

Pimms, Aperol, prosecco, cider…basically it’s just booze and sunburn. What’s not to love?

Unless of course you just so happen to be overdue, in which case a heat wave is the equivalent of being stuck in a lift with Boris Johnson and Piers Morgan.

The 38 stages of being pregnant in a heat wave

  1. Excitedly make a thousand plans because THE SUN IS OUT IN ENGLAND QUICK BEFORE WE SCARE IT AWAY!
  2. Try on every single item of clothing that could be in any way considered ‘summery’.
  3. Realise that anything that was a little bit short before now allows any passer-by to see your baby crowning.
  4. Settle on a a dress that is basically a sack. Because that is life now. You are a sack woman. Congratulations.
  5. Leave the house. Immediately learn of 17 new places you didn’t even know you could sweat from.
  6. ‘Do you mind if we move to that table so I can sit in the shade?’
  7. Watch everybody around you order something delicious, ice-filled and most importantly alcoholic. Order a sparkling water. Sulk.
  8. ‘It’s really hot isn’t it?!’
  9. Have at least 569 people look at you with that weird faux-sympathy and announce ‘you’re hot I bet!’. Really ‘Sharon’?! What gives you that idea?! The extra two stone I’m carrying or the fact that I’m currently in permanent contact with another human body?! It’s literally inside me. A PERSON.
  10. Try the Evian spray everyone is recommending.
  11. Realise you could have saved £8 and just squeezed a sports top bottle of water in the general direction of your face.
  12. Have somebody who is twenty weeks pregnant try and tell you they know how you feel.
  13. Congratulate yourself for not punching a pregnant woman even though you’re fairly certain it’s allowed if you’re pregnant too.
  14. ‘These sandals are normally so comfy, why do I suddenly feel like I’m wearing 5 inch stilettos on the walk of shame?!’
  15. Look at your feet.
  16. Realise that they no longer resemble anything even close to your feet.
  17. Remember when you had ankles?
  18. Those days are gone, sister.
  19. You are now the same width from knee to big toe.
  20. Force a smile and pretend you’re really enjoying this day in the sunshine and that you’re not about to slide off the chair due to excessive butt sweat.
  21. Go to the toilet just to check it is butt sweat and not your waters.
  22. (It’s never your waters)
  23. Admit defeat. Go home. It’s too hot. Fill up the baby bath you got at your baby shower with cold water and get your feet in it.
  24. Close all the curtains and sit in the shade in your most ugly underwear until it is time for bed.
  25. Risk an ABH charge if your partner tries to come anywhere near you in bed.
  26. Wake up at 4am. Wonder how it’s already so hot. Still so hot? God it’s hot.
  27. Spend an hour comparing fans on Argos.
  28. Wonder how the fuck so many people on Instagram have Dyson fans, are they all secret millionaires?
  29. Refuse to get dressed for the next week.
  30. Eat only ice lollies and frozen peas.
  31. Pretend you find all the ‘pregnant in summer’ memes hilarious.
  32. Cry a bit, nobody will notice through the sweat.
  33. Phone the midwife and tell her you don’t want a natural birth anymore. Fuck the birth plan, JUST GET THIS DAMN KID OUT OF ME!!
  34. Try again to go and have a lovely day in the sun.
  35. Repeat all previous steps.
  36. Give up.
  37. Go home.
  38. Order a damn fan (it’ll be raining again by the time it arrives).
Advertisements