Tomorrow’s my birthday. Hold off on the confetti and party poppers, I’m not really one for celebrating the day of my birth. In fact I usually find the whole day a bit of a shitter on my mental health.

I never used to be like this. I was fully in the ‘BIRTHDAY MONTH’ team. Throughout September my Facebook memories are an embarrassing reminder of how much I used to demand attention, presents, and multiple celebrations. Now I’d rather people just ignore it (which many will because I haven’t told them it’s coming up and it’s too late to send cards now suckers!).

I don’t know what changed. Or why. I find the idea of people celebrating me weird, uncomfortable, and unnecessary. I didn’t want a baby shower. I don’t think I’d have a hen do. And birthdays are definitely a no. People spending their hard-earned money on doing something for me just seems ridiculous to me. By all means lets go out, but lets just call it a night out. Nobody set up a Facebook event.

It’s not the age thing, I don’t mind that I’m getting older (especially as Matt will always be older), I actually find it quite cool to learn that you might age in years but your mind is always 19 and a bit of a twat.

I can’t tell you, however, the last time I didn’t cry on my birthday. I know me crying isn’t exactly a revelation (I cried about a wasp that came to close to me last week) but my birthdays always seem to fill me with this overwhelming sadness.

I think maybe it’s the pressure. The pressure to be happy and have fun and get excited and want all the attention. The pressure to be exactly what I’m not. Maybe I’m just stubborn. Maybe years of strange men in the street telling me to smile has meant that any expected fun just makes me angry and put my keys between my fingers. Maybe I’m just a miserable bitch.

I love celebrating other people! I’ll throw birthday parties, baby showers, hen dos, and even just ‘you’re ace’ parties like no other. I buy the best gifts and always remember to send a card. I just can’t celebrate me. I’ve spoken about it before, and loads of you said you’re in the same boat.

That’s probably something I really need to work on. Celebrating ourselves and our achievements is important, allowing our friends to tell us they love us is important, letting your kids do more than stick a candle in a curry is important.

Tomorrow I’m going to try. I’m going to aim not to cry (lol). I’m going to let people be excited and want to celebrate. I’m even going out at the weekend!

I’ll let you know how I get on…

*stocks up on tissues and balaclavas*

Photo by Wang Xi on Unsplash