Cigarettes and Calpol

Attempting to make sense of parenthood, life, love, and my own mind.


Mental Health

My Body, Imperfect

Each body is different.
Each body is a map of where the owner has been. Routes taken. Shortcuts gone wrong.
Each body is a book. Chapter after chapter of tales of life.

My body is no different.
My body tells a story.
Of highs and lows.
Of ups and downs.
Of good and bad.
Of pleasure and pain.
Of life. In all its real, awful, hideous, beautiful forms.

Each inch a different chapter, marked and scarred and freckled with life.

Continue reading “My Body, Imperfect”

Sorry, I’m Not Amazonian.

2016 is the year of body confidence. Every other Buzzfeed post is celebrating bodies, no matter what shape or size and parenting blogs everywhere are giving thousands of words to the Amazonian power that giving birth to a child makes you feel. Stretch marks are tiger stripes. The loose skin on your stomach is just proof of what your body can do. Ruined boobs mean you gave your assets to feed your child. Flaws are no longer flaws, they’re something to celebrate and be proud of.

Except I can’t do that.

It’s been five years since I gave birth and I can’t look at the flaws on my body as something to be proud of. I look in the mirror and see a body that I don’t recognise, a body that I don’t want.

Continue reading “Sorry, I’m Not Amazonian.”

Somewhere in the Middle

I’m having a bit of a personal crisis at the moment. I feel like I’ve lost my way and I cannot work out where it is I belong. I feel like I’m forever somewhere in the middle, never coming first, never being the best at something, never being the most important. Straddling the middle no matter how hard I try.

Continue reading “Somewhere in the Middle”

Just Be There

Learning somebody you love has been struggling with their mental health so much that they needed to go on medication is hard. You can feel useless and to blame and question why you’re not enough to keep them off little white pills.

The thing is, right now, this isn’t about you. Right now they need your support. Right now hearing long, emotional speeches about how difficult this is for you is only playing into every single negative thing they’re already thinking about themselves.

Continue reading “Just Be There”


I didn’t know whether to do this post or not, or really where I wanted to go with it. But I do know that the year just passed has held the most changes, the most hardships, and the most wonderful moments of any I can remember (except maybe when I was eight and Geri left the Spice Girls just after I got her bloody doll).
Continue reading “2015”

Social Media and Mental Health

When dealing with mental health issues, social media is something of a double edged sword. It has its pros, its ways of helping you heal and offer support, but it also comes with a huge array of cons and can often make things worse. I’ve experienced my fair share of both sides of this sword, making my personal relationship continuously switch between love and hate, often within the space of a few days.
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‘No really, I feel fine!

God I hate that smug bitch I was two weeks ago. I’d just been asked about coming off anti-depressants. I was fine. It was actually really easy. Sunshine and rainbows and unicorns skipping through meadows and oh fuck no apparently I was wrong…
Continue reading “Unmedicated”

Muscle Memory

People always talk about muscle memory. It’s how you remember how to ride a bike, or drive the same route home every night without really paying attention.

But what about your brain?

Every now and then a certain date comes around and you feel like utter shit. There’s no reason for it, everything is fucking wonderful and yet you just. can’t. shake. that. feeling.
Continue reading “Muscle Memory”

Discovering my new Route

What a difference a year makes eh? Especially when that year contains more dramatic turns that a series finale of Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve pretty much been through it all over the past 12 months, I’m not about to bore you with the details here. Those that were there at the time will probably shove their heads in their ovens if they hear about it one more time and those of you who weren’t will live a much longer, happier life not knowing.
Continue reading “Discovering my new Route”

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